Friday, January 23, 2004
I'm not sure if my blog is working correctly or not. I have a blog that it says that I have posted, but I can't seem to find it on my page. I guess that it doesn't really matter, since nobody else knows about it. I'm finding it difficult to garner up the energy and focus to run today. I just don't know if it is doing any good to my body. I probably need to be more patient with it. Oh well. Car shopping has been going well, but I'm not sure that I will be able to get the car that I want. It is hard for me to get out of this habit of having nice car with creature comforts abounding. I tell myself that I need a 6-disc CD changer and a moonroof. I'm an ass. And I shall leave it at that for today.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
OK, now there are plenty of reasonable people out there who just non-chalantly talk about how hell is a NEVER-ENDING place of fiery torment for those whom God has not called (or who didn't choose God, or who didn't say enough Hail Mary's, or whatever). Being burnt sucks. Having your whole body burned is terrible. Maybe being burned up and destroyed after a while sounds loving, but having some sort of super flesh that doesn't melt or scald but just keeps hurting in excruciating ways, that just sounds like human vengeance. "If you believe in Me, you will have eternal life". Not "Hey man, your life won't suck royally forever. Actually, you'll get to come and hang out on the clouds with Me."
I just felt like ranting about that after Lenny talked about badly burning his fingers yesterday. Now its over. Well, I went to Apex church last week and it was wonderful. I saw so many things that I never had seen played out in real life before. I saw people who truly cared about one another who were not family. It was their relationship with each other and their relationship with Father that made them the church, not what meetings they held with each other. In some way, I think that I realized that I was really a part of two churches for most of my life. One was what I called "going to church" and the other was made up of the people whom I loved. I had a breakthrough. Now, I am just going to pray that Father would put some more people in my life with whom I could share my love for Him and from Him.
I will probably make some sort of career decision in the next month. It may be long-term and wonderful, but it may be short term and stressful. I'm attempting to trust that God causes more to happen than I give Him credit for. Kim and I are pregnant again, and we are both filled with fear about losing this child before he/she is born as well. We know that perfect love drives out fear, but we can't seem to push the fear out. Perhaps we should ask God to remove it for us. Perhaps we will.
I just felt like ranting about that after Lenny talked about badly burning his fingers yesterday. Now its over. Well, I went to Apex church last week and it was wonderful. I saw so many things that I never had seen played out in real life before. I saw people who truly cared about one another who were not family. It was their relationship with each other and their relationship with Father that made them the church, not what meetings they held with each other. In some way, I think that I realized that I was really a part of two churches for most of my life. One was what I called "going to church" and the other was made up of the people whom I loved. I had a breakthrough. Now, I am just going to pray that Father would put some more people in my life with whom I could share my love for Him and from Him.
I will probably make some sort of career decision in the next month. It may be long-term and wonderful, but it may be short term and stressful. I'm attempting to trust that God causes more to happen than I give Him credit for. Kim and I are pregnant again, and we are both filled with fear about losing this child before he/she is born as well. We know that perfect love drives out fear, but we can't seem to push the fear out. Perhaps we should ask God to remove it for us. Perhaps we will.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
I went to the "Young Married's Group" at Central Christian Church today. It was intriguing, although a bit academic. I met some neat people who seemed to be in situations a lot like Kim and I have been in. I didn't like the fact that is was just like a normal sunday school class. I'm not sure if I'm on board with the whole education based model. The best part was the end when we all shared our own thoughts and experiences about the topic (the roles of males and females).
I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what the simple church would look like. But alas, I don't have to wait much longer. In fact, about 24 hours from now, I will get to see a real live simple church in action. I'm getting more excited just typing about it. I should probably takes notes and crap like that, but I think that I'm just going to sit back and soak up the experience like a normal person.
Job hunting has been frustrating. I hope to hear from "Food for the Hungry" sometime this week. Tonight, I looked through the classifieds and I may check out car sales. It might not be a great long term career move for me, but it would defintely pay some bills in the meantime.
I watched "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant last night. It was nice. British people sound so interesting in the movies. I've heard that in real life, Brits are a bit more rude. It had an interesting plot about a player who decides that being an island isn't all that he thought that it was cracked up to be. By protecting himself from getting hurt, he also prevented himself from experiencing true intamacy. Sex was one thing, but being loved and accepted for who he really was, that was the emotional intimacy that he unknowingly longed for. I wonder how many intimate relationships a person can have at one time. I'm sure that it varies for everyone, but I feel as if I do not have enough in my life right now. I wonder how much of that is my fault and how much of that is the fault of my loved ones. I was once known as an extremely honest person, but not so much anymore. I am a bit more private, and i think that it is a fault. Perhaps God will help me to change that in the coming months.
I don't really know how to talk to God anymore. I constantly wonder if I understand Him correctly about anything. It is hard for me to ask God about His will, because I never know if I am hearing Him correctly or not. I'm thinking about buying "Hearing God" by Dallas Willard. That seems to be my trouble at this stage in the game. Maybe Dallas has some insights that would be beneficial to me. Toodaloo!
I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what the simple church would look like. But alas, I don't have to wait much longer. In fact, about 24 hours from now, I will get to see a real live simple church in action. I'm getting more excited just typing about it. I should probably takes notes and crap like that, but I think that I'm just going to sit back and soak up the experience like a normal person.
Job hunting has been frustrating. I hope to hear from "Food for the Hungry" sometime this week. Tonight, I looked through the classifieds and I may check out car sales. It might not be a great long term career move for me, but it would defintely pay some bills in the meantime.
I watched "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant last night. It was nice. British people sound so interesting in the movies. I've heard that in real life, Brits are a bit more rude. It had an interesting plot about a player who decides that being an island isn't all that he thought that it was cracked up to be. By protecting himself from getting hurt, he also prevented himself from experiencing true intamacy. Sex was one thing, but being loved and accepted for who he really was, that was the emotional intimacy that he unknowingly longed for. I wonder how many intimate relationships a person can have at one time. I'm sure that it varies for everyone, but I feel as if I do not have enough in my life right now. I wonder how much of that is my fault and how much of that is the fault of my loved ones. I was once known as an extremely honest person, but not so much anymore. I am a bit more private, and i think that it is a fault. Perhaps God will help me to change that in the coming months.
I don't really know how to talk to God anymore. I constantly wonder if I understand Him correctly about anything. It is hard for me to ask God about His will, because I never know if I am hearing Him correctly or not. I'm thinking about buying "Hearing God" by Dallas Willard. That seems to be my trouble at this stage in the game. Maybe Dallas has some insights that would be beneficial to me. Toodaloo!
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Wow. I'm actually doing this. I've always thought that this blog thing was a little too self centered to be healthy. Now I'm starting to think that blogging will help me with my desire to keep an active journal. Journaling is very healthy and the prospect of sharing my thoughts with others gives me some deluded dreams of fame and adoration from the world. Does everybody want to be famous, or is it just me? For a long time, I wanted to be a famous actor, athlete, or musician. In high school and college, I really wanted to become a famous preacher. Now, I just want to be famous for being the next Martin Luther.
Now, I'm aware of how egotistical that makes me sound, but doesn't the fact that I'm aware of it kind of cancel it out? Some people refer to it as a God complex. I have had those thoughts before. I have thought sometimes that I could be the Second Coming of Jesus. I have also thought that I could be the antichrist. There seems to be something inside of me that is not satisfied with just being Zac. I feel like I need to be validated by the praise and respect of others. On some level, I know that I have God's love, but there seems to be a part of me that wants to be loved by His creation. I keep telling myself that it is wrong, but I remain trapped in delusions of grandeur. Oh well, I'm young and I have plenty of time (perhaps) to discover what it is that God has designed me for.
Now, I'm aware of how egotistical that makes me sound, but doesn't the fact that I'm aware of it kind of cancel it out? Some people refer to it as a God complex. I have had those thoughts before. I have thought sometimes that I could be the Second Coming of Jesus. I have also thought that I could be the antichrist. There seems to be something inside of me that is not satisfied with just being Zac. I feel like I need to be validated by the praise and respect of others. On some level, I know that I have God's love, but there seems to be a part of me that wants to be loved by His creation. I keep telling myself that it is wrong, but I remain trapped in delusions of grandeur. Oh well, I'm young and I have plenty of time (perhaps) to discover what it is that God has designed me for.
