My Self-Important Web Log

Well, life seems to be more promising lately. At least my perspective has been getting more positive. I am optimistic about some job opportunities that have come along lately. A job as an underwriter with Jeff Carter seems to be the best option. I am fully convinced now that job-hunting is all about who you know. Kim is very anxious for me to get a job. I feel as if I am failing her by keeping her in this house. Perhaps I am. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be the bread-winner. I want to be a respectable husband and father. I want to earn my keep.

The search for my purpose in life has been pacified for a while. I now just want to listen for God's voice and follow it. I've noticed a lot lately that what God wants me to do and what I want to do are often not the same things.

Justin Narducci has been a great friend lately. God's hand is definitely upon him. I know that he prays for me and that encourages me greatly. Many of my friends from the ooze encourage me as well. Seraphim is such a great guy. I want to meet him someday. Lance has been telling me horror stories from his days at Central. Central has been so frustrating lately. The more I learn about it, the less happy I am with it. I try not to become a self-righteous jerk, but it is hard.

Fatherhood is slowly approaching. It still doesn't seem that real to me. I am waiting for the responsibilities to hit us like a ton of bricks. I really would like to give a home to this child. We are bouncing around several name possibilities. They are all secret though. We shall see.

I want to belong to something. I know that I belong to the bonche, but that time is over. College is over. I have a wife. Soon it will be three years. Soon we will have a child. We feel alone. Not completely alone, but we feel as if we aren't contributing to anything. What is there to do to connect with others. I see people on T.V. and in movies who have friends and coworkers and enemies and I want that.

I remember listening to music in high school and being deeply touched by it all. I was so upset with relationships that had gone awry. I had so much at my fingertips. Where does one meet people? I feel a need to serve, but it seems empty to serve random people. I want to serve those around me who have needs. My wife and I have financial needs, and few of my friends have offered to help. Some, but not many. Am I wrong to think that I would help them if the tables were turned? Perhaps.

Why pray? God does what He wishes. If we pray, and nothing happens, then it just wasn't God's will. If we pray and something does happen, then we should thank God. If something happens, we should thank God. Why pray? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe God will tell me.

I'm thinking that the ability to hear God's voice may be the most powerful thing in the world. I'm trying to learn how to do so. I try, but it is hard to quit sinning. I understand that my sin just makes noise in the midst of my trying to listen. Perhaps I should fast. My discipline has been awful. I need to stop making excuses in the midst of my fast. I still believe that God is good. I'm just trying to hear Him.

I desire to be more productive. So far, I feel as if I just produce more fat cells. I try to drown my sorrows in food too much. What is up with me? I have no idea what God would have me do with my life. I hope that I am listening correctly. Maybe not. God is bigger than my inability to hear Him, isn't He? I would very much like to be buzzed right now.

I have let uplifting music go through my head for the past several hours. It has been therapeutic and refreshing. I feel as if I have climbed out of the hole and now it is time to tackle the mountain ahead. I feel as if God is trying to speak to me or He is speaking to me and I'm just not hearing it right now. I'm praying for ears to hear. My addiction to my culture startles me. I want a TiVo so that I can wean myself off of my slavery to TV schedules. I think that it might be unhealthy to desire the escape that TV and movies can offer as much as I do. Actually, I know that it is unhealthy.

Is it better to desire to be removed from temptations or to remain faithful in the midst of temptations? Part of me wants to escape to a foreign country. I keep noticing that I've been looking at my past with rose colored glasses a lot lately. I think fondly about Kentucky, Michigan, and even Indiana, while loathing my current situation. I need to learn to be content with the grass on my side of the fence. What am I running from? What is Kim running from? Maybe the answer would be an epiphany. I need to brush my teeth and go sleep with my wife. Bon jour.

Yay! I have found hope again. An email from Doug today reminded me that God can orchestrate whatever He wishes to happen. I also can remember that God had plans for Jeremiah to prosper him and not harm him. I really believe that God has prepared me for the position at Food for the Hungry. All logic so far has told me that they are no longer interested in me, but I have a growing hope that the logic will be proven wrong. I have been trying not to become depressed about my lack of career options. If the FH job is my first choice, then my second choice is way, way down the ladder from the top. I am praying that God would show me favor for this position, and that (with His help) I will serve the organization with all of my strength (and His).

Greg Hubbard put me in contact with a couple of guys who are doing house church ministry in the area. I hope to meet with one of them shortly. It is exciting to see God speaking to others in the same way that He is speaking to me.

Kim and I had a great night of praying together. It was the first time that she had prayed aloud in front of me in over a year. It was tremendous. I really renewed my feelings for her. Our baby is seemingly healthy, and we do thank God. I'm getting more excited by the day about being a father. Nick should be a father any day now. I have learned to be happy for him, and to not bemoan my own tragedies. God will bless them as parents, and He will bless us as well.

I'm not sure if my blog is working correctly or not. I have a blog that it says that I have posted, but I can't seem to find it on my page. I guess that it doesn't really matter, since nobody else knows about it. I'm finding it difficult to garner up the energy and focus to run today. I just don't know if it is doing any good to my body. I probably need to be more patient with it. Oh well. Car shopping has been going well, but I'm not sure that I will be able to get the car that I want. It is hard for me to get out of this habit of having nice car with creature comforts abounding. I tell myself that I need a 6-disc CD changer and a moonroof. I'm an ass. And I shall leave it at that for today.

OK, now there are plenty of reasonable people out there who just non-chalantly talk about how hell is a NEVER-ENDING place of fiery torment for those whom God has not called (or who didn't choose God, or who didn't say enough Hail Mary's, or whatever). Being burnt sucks. Having your whole body burned is terrible. Maybe being burned up and destroyed after a while sounds loving, but having some sort of super flesh that doesn't melt or scald but just keeps hurting in excruciating ways, that just sounds like human vengeance. "If you believe in Me, you will have eternal life". Not "Hey man, your life won't suck royally forever. Actually, you'll get to come and hang out on the clouds with Me."

I just felt like ranting about that after Lenny talked about badly burning his fingers yesterday. Now its over. Well, I went to Apex church last week and it was wonderful. I saw so many things that I never had seen played out in real life before. I saw people who truly cared about one another who were not family. It was their relationship with each other and their relationship with Father that made them the church, not what meetings they held with each other. In some way, I think that I realized that I was really a part of two churches for most of my life. One was what I called "going to church" and the other was made up of the people whom I loved. I had a breakthrough. Now, I am just going to pray that Father would put some more people in my life with whom I could share my love for Him and from Him.

I will probably make some sort of career decision in the next month. It may be long-term and wonderful, but it may be short term and stressful. I'm attempting to trust that God causes more to happen than I give Him credit for. Kim and I are pregnant again, and we are both filled with fear about losing this child before he/she is born as well. We know that perfect love drives out fear, but we can't seem to push the fear out. Perhaps we should ask God to remove it for us. Perhaps we will.